Dispatches from London IX-WTTW Edition

One of the things I’ve been doing with my free time here is running as a way to prepare for the 100 mile bike ride I’m doing at the end of August.  Since I don’t have a bike here, I’ve just been trying to run for as long as I can at one time without stopping, not really caring how fast I run or how far I get.  Yesterday, I decided to really push myself as sort of a test since it was my last running day here.  I ran for 2 hours straight and covered something like 12-13 miles.  That’s amazing to me.  If a year ago you would have suggested to me that I would have run a half-marathon, I wouldn’t have believed you.  Needless to say, I’m paying the price for it today (I’m very sore), but that’s okay.  Big props to Tony and Mike for getting me through this as PTI podcasts from the previous week are the only thing that kept me chugging (like a train, get it?) through the boredom and monotony.

On a possibly related note, my general crotchetal area is very sore. So Word to the Wise, if you plan on running for that long, I would highly suggest that you have the right equipment.  I don’t know exactly what that is, but I know that it is something other than cycling pants and loose shorts.  I know that much.

WTTW: VII

Word to the Wise: If you’re ever teaching a class about how people overstate the effects of the media and you use the example of violence by asking everyone in class to raise their hand if they’ve seen a violent film and then asking the students to keep their hands raised if they’ve ever killed someone, you need to be prepared for someone to keep their hand raised…especially if you teach near a military base.

WTTW VI: Ice Cream

It has recently been discovered that there are unspoken rules concerning the etiquette of making and eating ice cream.

First, if you have an urge to get any kind of ice cream, you MUST ask all of those in your presence if they would like some too.  This goes for ice cream bars, pints, bowls, dots, and cones.  Evidently, it is downright rude to get yourself some ice cream and not offer it to everyone in your *vicinity.

Second, if you decide to make ice cream, it is most helpful to use all the parts that are included in your ice cream maker.  This includes the agitator (that waffle-like apparatus that stirs the mixture as it freezes).  Not doing so will result in a poorly mixed, half-frozen concoction that others will taste and grimace once they heap a spoonful into their mouth.

Third, you must be aware that the liquid mixture will expand when frozen.  This is important to know just in case you offer to bring homemade ice cream over to your friend’s house, and need to borrow their smaller ice cream maker because you didn’t use the agitator in your own machine.  Though the half frozen mixture may fit into their smaller container may fit at the beginning, it will most certainly overflow into the ice & rock salt mixture.

Any other words of wisdom regarding ice cream etiquette may be left in the comments.

*Vicinity includes if you are in a state where one of the spouses of seventonine currently reside.

WTTW V: Office Nudity

Word to the Wise:  If you’re changing clothes in your office (say, after a workout) it’s wise to check that natural reaction to say “Come in” when you hear someone knock.

WTTW IV: Wedding Anniversaries

Word to the Wise: Wedding anniversaries are a time for celebration.  The eve of your wedding anniversary, however, is a time for reflection, for assessing whether or not you made the right decision those many years or months ago.  Well let us be the first to say that watching American Beauty on this day is not a way to ensure that you’ll make it to the actual anniversary.  We’re happy to report here, though, that the characters in the movie do not scare us so much as disgust us.  They do not seem like people we may become, but rather people we do and always have pitied.  If the balance ever shifts in the other direction, well, let’s just say that we hope, and pray and work every day on our marriages to ensure that it doesn’t.

WTTW III: Festival Etiquette-Bathroom

Word to the Wise: If you must use the port-a-potty at the festival, and you encounter two rows of them, we strongly advise that you use the second row. Sure, it’s a little further, which can be quite a hassle, but those extra few steps will be worth it when you’re using the facilities and you suddenly remember your grade school biology lesson about how closely connected your nose and throat are, and that when you smell something it’s very similar to eating it. We’ve included a picture in case you forgot this disturbing little factoid.

WTTW II: Festival Etiquette-Eating

Word to the Wise: If you find yourself at a festival or carnival or fair and you decide to partake in some of the deliciously destructive eating options (I’m looking at you, deep-fried Snickers with powdered sugar), do not, we repeat, do NOT lick your fingers. We know, believe us we know, that fried gooey goodness is just sitting there on your finger begging you to solve two problems (messy hands and wife/mother/other female figure who won’t let you wipe them on your pants) with one solution (licking them clean). But believe us, it’s not worth it. Your hands are beyond gross. You’ve been in a hot, sweaty mass of people and old stuff all day. Just trust us.

Periodically, we will be doling out little nuggets of advice. You’re welcome. These are things for you, the reader, to take to heart and put into practice in your daily life in order to improve your world. We call this series, Word to the Wise (WTTW).

WTTW I: Diffusion Through Escalation

Periodically, we will be doling out little nuggets of advice.  You’re welcome.  These are things for you, the reader, to take to heart and put into practice in your daily life in order to improve your world.  We call this series, Word to the Wise (WTTW).   

Word to the Wise:  If someone comes at you looking for a (verbal) fight, an irrational act nearly every time, you should probably diffuse the situation.  However, you should not attempt to confront an irrational person with logic or reasoning.  Instead, I advocate keeping a pair of boxing gloves-yes, real life boxing gloves-in your desk at all times.  When the aforementioned crazyperson comes in looking for a (verbal) fight, just reach in your drawer, put on your boxing gloves, and say “If it’s a fight you want, I’m going to need a minute to get taped up.”  In other words, offer to escalate the conflict to it’s extreme.  This will invariably point out the craziness of the offender’s actions and therein diffuse the situation, returning everyone to a nice, rational, state of being.

Note: Should the offender be threatening actual fisticuffs and not simply a (verbal) fight, then all of the above is null and void.  In such an event, we would suggest this.